I Feel A Bit Flushed

28 08 2009

click pic for info link

Okay. I have just finished Jay Robb’s “3-day Fruit Flush Detox.” The prospect on the front end was to lose “up to 9 pounds in 3 days,” which usually means 1 person at some point somehow lost 9 pounds while doing this thing (results not typical, your results may vary because they also ran a marathon every day after working in construction for 8 hours in the sun), while everyone else lose on average about 1.239 pounds. Still, I figured it was worth the try because, weight loss aside, I often feel run-down, fatigued, and generally like a pile of poo. The detox part promised to help cleanse my organs, to make me feel better, to make my children respectful and obedient, to heal the blind, and restore order to the republic through the once-lost offspring of the Empire’s Dark Lord.

Anyway, for those of you unfamiliar with the flush/detox process via the fruits, I am using this forum to record my experience for the expansion of your knowledge and discernment about your involvement in said flushing.

First, no coffee, no sodas, no caffeine. Hint: these are much of the things that we are trying to remove from our toxic bodies.  We are going to use protein and fruit to restore our bodies to Eden-ish status. Drinking soda is drinking death unto yourself and banishment from this beautiful garden now guarded by the archangel Renal with the flaming sword of kidney failure. I, being the man that I am, thought 3 days without caffeine would not be a big deal. Lesson learned.

Day 1 of my adventure – Protein day

The idea of a “protein day” always sounds good to a meat/potatoes guy like me. People have been trying to get me to consume green, leafy garbage all my life. Now I get to say, “no thank you, it’s protein day” with a smile on my face and visions of steak and eggs for breakfast, hamburger for lunch, and (because this is a health thing after all) a nice piece of Bourbon Salmon for dinner. I could even  do without the potatoes because I am putting my body’s health over my base human desires. I am denying myself for the greater good. I am awesome.

Then reality hits. Protein day is an 8-oz protein shake every 2 hours, culminating in a raw vegetable salad and 3-6 oz. piece of lean meat for dinner. (3 to 6 ozs.? Is that even considered a piece of meat?)

As the day went on and all I had consumed was protein shakes, I must say that 3-6 ozs. of actual meat sounded more and more like a bliss I had not known as a human. I began to imagine what delectable piece of meat my wife would be treating me to at the end of my long work day and as a reward for my stringent self-denial worthy of record in the halls of heaven. When I arrived at my humble abode, my wife had “misinterpreted” what was supposed to happen. She thought the meat was supposed to go on the salad, not on the plate. So, had stopped to pick up some thin-sliced deli chicken.

WHAT? I have starved all day on a liquid protein shake-a-palooza, anticipating actual food for dinner, and I get a raw spinach salad covered in olive oil and lime juice with a 3-6 oz pile of cold thin-sliced deli chicken?  The only thing that keeps me from caving immediately is the anticipation that I get to actually eat during the day tomorrow. Go to bed hungry. And by hungry, I , of course, mean ready to eat my dog.

Day 2 – Fruit day version 1

I like fruit. A lot. And by a lot, I mean a lot of fruit. Incidentally, Jay doesn’t give fruit generously on this plan. I get one serving of fruit every two hours. 1 banana or 2 medium apples or 15-18 grapes or 2 grapefruit or some other relatively meaningless amount of food that simply teases your body (whose hunger from day 1 is like compounding interest on a million dollars).

Middle of day 2 – fading fast – vision blurring – I am in purgatory – at point of rich man in Lazarus story – “if only someone could come over from the other side of the food consumption chasm and give me but a small piece of their  steak grisle.” But Jay Robb stands on the other side and reminds me that I have often laughed condescendingly before at dieters while placing high-fat content Ribeye into my mouth, so no grisle is forthcoming. “Eat your fruit and suffer with your caffeine and fried food deprivation headache you toxin-filled wretch worthy of the flames of the fruit-flush abyss.” Dinner is another spinach salad and – tonight in place of my pile of deli chicken-  I get a protein shake. I fall asleep in the midst of my hunger pangs simply because my body can no longer be conscious. I want to die.

Day 3 – Fruit day version 2

Actually feel better today and not as hungry as yesterday, I think because body is either giving up hope that I will feed it ever again or because it’s trying to fool me into thinking that the detox has already worked and there’s no need to go on with it any further. I press on, thinking I can make one more day. All day, I feel okay. Still hungry, but keeping myself busy to ward off the awareness. Dinner is salad and protein drink. Will not eat spinach salad for quite a long time after this is over. Only sheer human will power (the kind I don’t have) is helping me hold on. Just a few more hours … a few more hours. Go to sleep and awake to a brand new day.

The Day After

Today, I feel pretty good. I go to the scale to see what happened. I have lost 7 pounds. Not bad. And I actually cut OUT exercise for these three days. It’s amazing what starvation can do for your body weight. I’m actually considering NOT drinking coffee with breakfast this morning. Don’t know why but I think it may be related to not wanting to feel bad again so soon. I scramble some eggs add throw some cheese on them. Ashley has fixed biscuits. Even have 15-18 grapes with that for old times sake.

All in all, I would not use the word enjoyable – “survivable” is about as far as I would lean. I have no way of knowing if my liver is praising me with shiny, fresh teeth and good breath, but I actually do feel pretty good. Maybe I should alter my normal eating practices somewhat if this is for real, although I’m sure that feeling will pass as soon as I have some deep-fried chicken wings and pizza for lunch.

It’s not for the faint of heart, but it seems to work well as far as a weight loss jump start and helping that “blah” feeling go away in the end.

Thanks Jay?! (and yes, both the question mark and exclamation point are necessary)




2 responses

28 08 2009

I was hoping you’d blog about this. 3 days of eating watermelon, peaches, apples, bananas, strawberries and grapes sounded pretty good to me…. now, after reading the blog… not so much… You lost me on the protein shakes. If in a couple of days you decide it’s the best thing ever… please let me know. It would have to be the best thing ever for me to willingly consider consuming a protein shake…. Good for you on doing this. Now, please don’t die of the flu

28 08 2009

Yum!! I think I’ll try this next week….NOT!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: