Nose Hair and Paradise Lost

13 10 2009

Now that I am 40, life at this age occasionally drops some perspectives on me that slipped by me in my youth. One, of course, is that a person really does require at least 7 or 8 hours of sleep at night (who’da thunk it?). Another is that red meat, carbohydrates, Mountain Dew, and gummi-worms actually do not constitute a balanced diet and  – after a period of concentrated abuse – will generally make you feel like you’re sporting a hangover while being hit by a truck. But the one that is becoming more and more real to me with each passing year is that the unsung and hidden curse of Adam’s fall in the garden is that wild, aggressive, and annoying species,  folliculus probiscus, commonly referred to as the common nose hair.nose hair

I don’t know if any studies have been conducted on this particular subject, but I believe it could be shown that the nose hair is the fastest growing carbon-based entity in the known universe. A hair can spring forth within one’s nostril and span a lifetime from larval stage to fully mature hairdom during the morning commute. What’s worse, as these hairs grow they seemed to have naturally evolved into the ability to find the nearest inside edge of the nostril and place the hair tip just up against it so as to make it itch ever so slightly – just enough to assure that as you have a face-to-face conversation with someone you make every possible facial contortion to assuage the misery of the itch even as you wonder if there’s not a ginormous hair that has emerged and begun growing like Jack’s Beanstalk toward your upper lip during the last sentence. All the while, you’re trying hard to smile and actually listen to the other person, but your mind can’t help but drift toward the intolerable torment of what this person is thinking about the coaxial cable hanging from the left orifice in your nasal construct which you remember had a lot of goo in it earlier (is that being revealed as well?) even as  you make every effort humanly possible not to move your hand to your nose thereby drawing attention to the protruding monstrosity with its residual goo and suggesting to this now bothersome conversationalist who will not shut up that you are – in fact – a habitual picker. Can you imagine what this person will be posting on twitter and facebook later about this horrific experience?

Or scenario two – the attack of that one relentless hair that has apparently been growing from the dawn of time, rooted in your medulla oblongata, bearing the diameter of a #2 pencil, and – against all advice from Poltergeist’s Tangina  – is “going to the light” found out the front of your face while you innocently drive your vehicle. images-2While you think there is a possibility your car is a buffer zone of safety against detection by others of you actually reaching to your nose to attempt to clear the intruder that is suddenly making you a mouth-breather, you come upon a traffic standstill or a redlight, temporarily barring you from the pluck of freedom because you know you will have to reach deep enough with both thumb and forefinger to bring nostril distortion in order to rip this demon seed from its bed of torment somewhere within the gray matter that has illegitimately spawned it. So you fake the “I’m reaching for something in my opposite floorboard while I’m stopped” deal and you try the 1 in 100 shot of the quick snatch-and-pull, only to hear the people behind honking now that traffic has begun to move and to sit up quickly in your seat to realize you have pulled out several of the little tiny worker hairs that have just been birthed in order to guard and protect the queen. This, of course, hurts like a compound fracture of the femur, your eyes begin watering and prevent you from being able to see where you are driving, and you begin a sneezing fit previously unknown to humanity as your body tries to expel the foreign invaders it doesn’t recognize as its own digits because they are where they simply not wanted.

I, of course, could go on with scenario after scenario, but I must spare those of you who are faint of heart. Also, I must speak to pollyanna optimists who assure me that the nose hair is not part of our curse, but a gift from God designed to keep foreign invaders such as dust, dirt, germs, insects, small rodents, etc. from entering our bodies through our nasal passages. Let me remind you, however, you naive little glass-half-full non-thinkers that if Paradise was all we crack it up to be, there would have been no need to protect us from getting sick and therefore no need for these bearskin rugs layered inside the walls of this delicate sensory organ that God originally only intended to allow me the pleasure of smelling brownies baking, wood burning, my wife’s hair, my baby’s post-bath lotioned body, Vicks Vaporub, magic markers (the really good kind), and gasoline … oh, but I digress.

Oh yeah, don’t give me the nose hair trimmer thing. We don’t have time for the discussion about those no-good tools of Satan. Let’s face it, we are subject to this body of death until glory comes. What I can’t imagine is being a Hindu and having my goal to reincarnate as a cow – have you seen the nose hairs on those guys ? And you know getting the hoof in there has to be much more challenging in the long run.

nosehairThey tell me I will soon expand my hair experiences to the ear canal. I can’t wait. Thanks, Adam and Eve. Not only do I have to mow the lawn by the sweat of my brow, I have to mow my face.




7 responses

14 10 2009
Stephanie Latta

Wow…. just wow. Now I know what you’re actually thinking when I’m talking to you and you’re giving me that half-there stare…

14 10 2009
Jennifer Dolcelli

scary … accurate, but scary.

14 10 2009

Oh the irony of losing hair on my head and it growing hair on other parts of the body

21 10 2009
Sharon K. Smith

…And to think that the lament of wishing for hair growth speed when you get a not-so -great haircut really only results in the fast nose hair growth and, as if it were the twin nemisis, ear hair growth.

22 10 2009
Kent Dekker

Do you dream these things or do you really have that much extra time on your hands? Oh, the life of a Worship Arts Pastor. Dang, I could have cut my nose hairs for a whole lifetime in the time it took to get through this pontification. ;o)

23 10 2009

Well, speaking of extra time on your hands, I believe you are the one reading these things. These kind of things keep me awake at night, so I just type them out as therapy.

23 10 2009
Kent Dekker

Too funny nevertheless. I was rolling. This would be a GREAT stand up routine without a doubt.

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